There is so much about the world that I don’t understand.
People, for instance.
I am estranged from my family. Estranged is putting it mildly. I am the Black Sheep.
I performed the actions that led to the estrangement out of Love. Out of responsibility. Out of compassion. Were I in the same position, I would make them again, without question.
Family is a difficult concept to explain, or understand. Each family sees itself differently. There are whole sciences devoted to the study of family.
Pre-estrangement, I was the dutiful son. I did what was asked, regardless of my feelings on the matter. I never knew that I had a choice. That came later.
As a reward for my duty, I was made the executor of my father’s will when he passes. I was also made the trustee and guardian of his estate should he lose his capacity to make his own decisions.
Now, post-estrangement, I find that I’ve been removed as the executor and guardian. My father had a medical emergency recently. I was not informed until after. This was when I learned that I no longer his legal representative.
I learned that, in the middle of his medical emergency, my father hurriedly contacted his lawyer to remove me from his paperwork.
Was he afraid that I would somehow take advantage of his weakened state to strike back at him for years of troubled parenting? For years of neglect & abuse? Does he fear this because, if the situation were reversed, he would do the same? This is all supposition; I may never know his reasons.
I am not him.
I would not do that.
If it were required, I would stand for him, and ensure his well being and that his needs were met.
I have learned from him. I have learned that I want to be a different man from him. I am trying to heal from my experiences and to grow from them.
Part of my healing includes letting go of hatred. And fear.
I try to understand that he needs to heal as well.
That is the part that I don’t understand.